Monday, October 24, 2011

Does God care how I feed my baby?

I am not a confrontational person....really....I'm not. When my food isn't cooked exactly like I ordered it, I would rather just eat it than complain about it. My husband is good about speaking for me when I'm too chicken to speak for myself. Even as a birth professional, I don't give information unless it is solicited. The older I get, the less I enjoy those hard conversations.

On the day I saw the flyer, I didn't really envision a hard conversation. I was at a church where I had attended in the past as a single mother. The church had been very loving and supportive to me and had always been doctrinally sound in all of their teachings. So when I saw the flyer for Growing Kids God's Way classes forming, I took one of the tear off tabs. I wondered if, being a smaller church, they were aware of the current recommendations about feeding infants and how vastly different those were from the current recommendations from physicians, midwives and lactation professionals. I called the number and left a message.

I got a call back but missed it. A very sweet woman left a message for me. She was very excited that I was interested in classes. I began thinking that maybe my information wouldn't be welcome and honestly, just ignored the message and didn't return the call. I didn't want any uncomfortable conversation. I mean, it's the responsibility of each Christian to weigh what any man says against the Word of God, which is our final authority(2 Timothy 2:15).

But she called again. I was in the car and tired and I admittedly should have rescheduled the conversation. But God knows me better than I know myself and knows I probably would have put it off again in an effort to avoid a potentially difficult conversation. I told her I was a local birth professional and asked her if the curriculum she was teaching still taught from the Babywise book that encouraged a feeding schedule and the goal of having a baby sleeping through the night by 12 weeks. The answer was yes. I also asked if she was aware of the current documentation about infant feeding and how scheduled feedings were against all the current research as well as potentially dangerous.

I admit that I had an expectation. I really thought that regardless of how she felt, I would be asked to send some information and told that it would be looked at and that I may never hear from anyone again, but at least I would know that I had shared the truth. Instead, I was immedately met with defense for the Ezzos and their curriculum. There was no concern about the medical evidence....only that of the Ezzos. I was, however, asked to provide a scripture that proved that demand feeding was Biblical. Since I am not teaching something called "Growing Kids GOD'S Way", I really feel like the burden of proof on proving something to be God's way should be on those teaching something that is labeled GOD'S WAY! However, in order to possibly help one person who may read this and have second thoughts about using this method of feeding/sleep training for a baby, I will do my best.

Let's start with MY experience. I am a believer. By that, I mean I believe that Jesus died on the cross to save our sins and that if you believe in Him and put your faith in trust in Him as Lord of your life, then you are "saved." I believe that the body of Christ consists of ALL believers collectively, not individual churches and that we are all a family in Christ. It seemed to be a concern during one part of the conversation that I was not a member of this particular church that was holding the class. I am not, but I am a member of the body/bride of Christ.

In 1997 I gave birth to my second child. It was a failed induction that ended in a cesarean. The recovery was painful and hard. I also had a child who had a tight frenulum or a "tongue tie" and this made for some issues of great pain with nursing. Once the tongue issue was resolved, things were better, but by then my baby had become somewhat fussy and I was not getting any sleep. Combined with being in a strained marriage, already having a 7 year old and still feeling the effects of my surgery on my body, I was discouraged and exhausted. So when I walked in to my church bookstore that evening(which was 13 years ago and no longer where I attend church) and I saw on the cover, "SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT BY 8 WEEKS" I thought I must be dreaming. I would have paid $100 for the book that day. I was so tired. I bought it immediately and read it during church instead of listening to the sermon. I felt desperate. Of course, I now know that this is a normal part of mothering a newborn, but at the time, I wasn't aware of that. I began the program immediately. It was hard to implement the feeding schedule. I mean, my baby seemed hungry more often than the book said he should. In the books defense, it did say if your baby is hungry, feed him. But being in the state of mind I was, which as a birth professional I find most women end up in at some point, I was too scared to be flexible. I wanted to sleep. I wanted it to work. I wanted to follow it to the letter so it would work. The book was confusing. Sometimes it would speak to flexibility, but then it would talk about those demand feeding people who let their babies rule their lives and ruin their marriages. I wanted two things: 1. I wanted to sleep. 2. I wanted to please God. I fed my baby on a schedule....I let him cry so he could learn to fall asleep on his own and not be allowed to manipulate me. When he would cry I would feel like it was wrong, but again.....sleep and pleasing God. This was God's way. And it worked. My baby began sleeping 5-6 hours just like the book said and barely cried anymore because if they are content and happy, they have no reason to cry. I was a good mom. I was sleeping. But most of all, I was pleasing God.

As my baby grew, he developed some odd habits in his play. He would spin incessantly in his exersaucer. He crawled and walked late. He was not saying anything. He resisted being held and acted uncomfortable with snuggles and kisses. By age three, my child was diagnosed on the autism spectrum. This was in 2000 and autism was just beginning to be understood but was not the household word it is today. I was told that this was typical behavior of autistic kids to resist touch and affection and not to take it personally. HOpefully through therapy , he would learn to appreciate hugs and kisses again.

I was devastated. All those nights my baby cried for me to hold him and nurse him to sleep and I had let him cry. Now my baby didn't want to be held and I had wasted the little bit of time when he craved affection and touch. I would never be able to get those days and moments back and the days going forward would be a challenge. Suddenly, God's way seemed very uncharacteristic of God.

Please understand, I don't believe that Babywise had anything to do with my child having autism. This was an inherited condition. But there was a window of time with his condition where I could have given him that love and affection, but instead, I chose to train him to eat and sleep. When he finally quit crying and I thought I had succeeded and produced a happy baby thanks to Babywise, what I was really seeing was the haunting effects of autism creeping in. In fact, as a toddler, he hardly cried at all and still to this day has trouble with understanding sadness and reacting appropriately to it. But at the time, I mistook it for the wonderful results of being a Babywise baby which were sleeping through the night, content to play on their own and eating on the schedule.

I have to take responsibility for my actions. I began to question and realize that Ezzo's teachings, while they seemed logical, were not Biblical. However, this was being taught as God's way....not parenting tips for the Christian household.....God's way.

I am not the first person to question Babywise. Dr.James Dobson felt compelled to release a statement about it. Click HERE for that statement. In fact, I began to find out that Gary Ezzo and his wife had serious questions looming over them about their character and integrity. Those things have been condensed HERE.

I grew up in the church. I know that pastors and teachers are held to a higher standard of accountability by God. This is why I struggle to understand how church leaders can endorse and encourage a doctrine that claims to be God's design when it is written by a pastor who does not fit the Biblical criteria.

1 Timothy 3:1-7 It is a trustworthy statement: if any man aspires to the office of overseer, it is a fine work he desires to do. An overseer, then, must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, temperate, prudent, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not addicted to wine or pugnacious, but gentle, uncontentious, free from the love of money. He must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity (but if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?); and not a new convert, lest he become conceited and fall into the condemnation incurred by the devil. And he must have a good reputation with those outside the church, so that he may not fall into reproach and the snare of the devil. (NAS)

Titus 1:7-11 For the overseer must be above reproach as God's steward, not self-willed, not quick-tempered, not addicted to wine, not pugnacious, not fond of sordid gain, but hospitable, loving what is good, sensible, just, devout, self-controlled, holding fast the faithful word which is in accordance with the teaching, that he may be able both to exhort in sound doctrine and to refute those who contradict. For there are many rebellious men, empty talkers and deceivers, especially those of the circumcision, who must be silenced because they are upsetting whole families, teaching things they should not teach for the sake of sordid gain. (NAS)

Even if only a small portion of the accuasations against Gary Ezzo are true, he has clearly violated the scriptures as one whose teachings should be considered sound.

So is demand feeding Biblical? Do the Scriptures have anything to say about the nursing relationship. Thankfully, yes.

1 Peter 2:2-3 Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good.

I find it interesting....the word CRAVE. So apparently, it is a given that newborn babies, by God's very design, will crave the breast. In the same way, we are to crave spiritual growth. Is God saying that we should desire this growth only at certain times? I think not. It seems that we should be craving it night and day, just like a baby craves food.

Isaiah 66: 11 For you will nurse and be satisfied
at her comforting breasts;
you will drink deeply
and delight in her overflowing abundance.”
12 For this is what the LORD says:
“I will extend peace to her like a river,
and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream;
you will nurse and be carried on her arm
and dangled on her knees.
13 As a mother comforts her child,
so will I comfort you;
and you will be comforted over Jerusalem.”

Here the prophet speaks the Word of the Lord and again, uses the nursing relationsihp as a metaphor for God's own comfort given to his chilren. We also see here the assumption that the nursing relationship is about so much more than nutrition. It is a spiritual experience. Is there any indication here that God regulates this comfort? It there any indication that it should be received on a schedule? No, it is overflowing and abundant and drinking deeply is recommended. There is no concern here for metabolism or gluttony. To reduce breastfeeding to just a feeding issue is, it seems, blasphemous.

1 Thessalonians 2: 7-9 Just as a nursing mother cares for her children, so we cared for you. Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well. Surely you remember, brothers and sisters, our toil and hardship; we worked night and day in order not to be a burden to anyone while we preached the gospel of God to you.

Once again, we see a parallel to the nursing relationship. But here, we see the Bible speak to the work and effort that it is. Did the ministers here seek their own needs? Did they worry about their needs for sleep and relationships. No, in fact, they displayed the equivalent of the nursing relationship as ministry. Could it be that nursing/feeding our babies is an act of ministering to our children? Would we regiment this? No, we would work day and night, just as they did.

Lamentations 4: 3-4
Even jackals offer their breasts
to nurse their young,
but my people have become heartless
like ostriches in the desert.
Because of thirst the infant’s tongue
sticks to the roof of its mouth;
the children beg for bread,
but no one gives it to them.

Interesting here that an animals nursing behavior is brought up. If we look at animals and the way they nurse their young, night nursing is paramount. It is the time when the mother is still and they are usually in a protected place. Could it be that even though we are above the animals, that theirs and our instincts for eating and feeding are the same?

It appears to me that the Bible makes plenty of parallels to nursing and our very own relationship to God. It is a way that we can learn to comprehend the unconditional, deep and overflowing love of God and to make it about scheduled feeding is concerning. Churches need to ask themselves:

1. Is the church qualified to teach women how to feed their babies especially when that feeding pattern is discouraged and contraindicated by the American Academy of Pediatrics, the World Health Organization, the Le Leche League and many other medical/lactation professionals who specialize in the care of mothers and babies?

2. Is the church following the the Biblical standards for teachers and pastors by encouraging the work of the Ezzos?

3. Does the church teach a balance and properly explain the relationship that the Bible makes to breastfeeding and our relationship to Christ?

4. Is the church prepared to support and be accountable for any negative issues that may arise in the health of a baby from their teaching of this curriculum?

5. Has it been proven scripturally that this curriculum truly is God's way for feeding a baby?

If I am wrong, may God bring swift correction to me.

But in my work with women and babies, I see daily how motherhood was so perfectly and intricately designed by God. A I watch the process of birth, unadulterated and uninterrupted, I see the results of "being knit together in my mothers womb" and how God has truly created a process that works. Babies are born knowing what they need and they are given their cries to express those needs and ask for comfort. Who are we to interfere with that process? Who is Gary Ezzo to change God's design? I don't believe it needs any improvement and when I stand before the Lord, I don't want to have to answer for trying to do that.

Let me way, I also realize that not everyone is physically able to nurse. I don't always know why these things happen. We live in a broken world where our bodies do not sometimes function the way we would like them to. Thankfully, it isn't often, but I have watched mothers try everything under the sun to help a low milk supply or severe latch issues. I have watched babies struggle to gain weight despite being nursed around the clock. I know that God extends the same spiritual benefits to the bottle feeding relationship when it becomes necessary for a babies to be healthy. Bottle feeding/supplementation can be done with the same closeness as nursing when it is the option that becomes necessary. Holding, loving, babywearing and keeping babies close to our bodies also provides that closeness when nursing is not physically possible.

In the end, do unto others as you would have them do to you. When you are old and unable to feed yourself and possibly unable to communicate with words, do you want your hunger ignored? Do you want your life regimented to 3 meals a day and sleeping all night. Or do you want someone to respond to you when you are hungry regardless of how long it has been since you last ate? Do you want someone to come to you in the night if you feel fear or loneliness and offer you comfort? Why do we think babies want anything any different?

12 comments:

Jeannette W. said...

I too was a first time mom desperate for sleep and wanting to obey scripture. I followed the Ezzos to a "T" and had a baby that slept through the night and didn't "run the show" at my house. I also lost my milk supply with the growth spurt around 3 months. I was broken hearted...being able to nurse was SO very important to me, and I thought I had done everything "right". As I matured as a parent, and as a believer, I became wary of folk who could write a whole book based on one or two bible verses and was stunned, when studying for myself as I should have from the beginning, that there were PLENTY of verses that spoke to 'demand' feeding and caring, comforting your baby and toddler at the breast. (try Isaiah 66:11-13; 1Thess2:7-9; Lamentations 4;3-4; and 1 Peter2:2-3) I too understood God's love for me differently and scoff at the thought of a new believer being told by the Father that I couldn't pray, cry out to Him, or read my Bible yet because it wasn't 3:00! There is a time for a child to grow into maturity and a demand fed baby doesn't equal an ornery defiant child...the hammer eventually comes down in my house, but not at 2 weeks old! I tossed the book and thought I'd give demand feeding a try for #3 and the "fallen man" low milk supply vanished...happy healthy (fat!) baby that bfed until 18 months. "The Bereans were of more noble character...because they examined the scriptures everyday to see if what Paul said was true."

Crawfords of WA said...

Ok I may be dense asking this but I was not aware that the babywise book was part of the "Growing kids God's way" series. Was your problem with the Babywise book (because if it is I agree!) but "Growing kids Gods way" is a good resource, though it has nothing to do with babies really.

Crawfords of WA said...

Can't delete my comment! Just realized the same authors wrote both books, oops! Sorry, still think GKGW is a good resource though.

Charlene said...

This is so thoughtful. I never looked at those scriptures in the light you presented them. How wonderful they are! I learned more about God in the first 8 months of being a mom than I ever learned in church and if we just do it the way He designed, the rewards, in my experience,FAR outweigh the difficulties and even the difficulties are a gift!

Anonymous said...

I ran across Baby Wise at a vulnerable time too. I quickly saw that I didn't have the capacity to schedule the feedings. I did find the order of waking, eating, playing sleeping to be helpful but not absolutely necessary. I would mention however that I would do what God's word teaches, regardless of the AAP, the LaLeche League, or whomever. Thanks for calling the Ezzo's out and for showing us the Word.

The Artistic Family said...

My biggest issue is with the church telling parents how to feed their babies and "sleep train" babies. I have no issues with the rest of the curriculum. I do have issue with churches using the Ezzo books, good resource or not, because of the violations of the Biblical standard of being a teacher. There are so many other worthy parenting books that are written by teachers/pastors who are above reproach. Of course, we can always just depend on the Bible itself.

And I would also follow the Word of God over any organization of man if that organization told me to do something that I knew was contrary to the scripture. However, that is not what is happening in this instance so I believe that their advice can be trusted.

The Artistic Family said...

The advice of the AAP, WHO and LLL, that is.

Nthompson said...

Wow, thank you for this insightful article.
My son is on the spectrum also, so my heart really, really went out to you when you discussed the time you missed. I was never a "cry it out" mom, so like you mentioned, know that this is not the cause of the autism (in fact, I have occasionally been accused of causing his autism because I DIDN'T force him into a feeding schedule or let him "cry it out" and "learn to deal with frustration"!). But I do believe with all my heart that had I not engaged with my son the way I did, had I not rearranged our life to be a stay at home mom and give him the security, love and attention he required from me, he would not be quite the incredible, communicative, thriving, at times even loving boy that he is today at age 7.
Anyway, thanks again very much for sharing what you've learned.

Laura Siegrist said...

I found it interesting that the Babywise book quotes The Baby Book by Dr. Sears several times in its book. If you've ever read The Baby Book and compared the qutoes (what Babywise says The Baby Book is saying), you'll find that Babywise has taken The Baby Book out of context, misquoted and said things that are not true. And they base their Babywise theory on some of those misquoted things! that to me just discredits their theory. The Baby Book was so refreshing to me...it was exactly what I needed and I loved their hands on approach. Babies are NOT an inconvenience (as Babywise implies by it's rigid schedule to fit into your lives, but never says out right). We should be tailoring OUR lives around the babies, not insisting the babies fit into ours exactly the way we think they should. The Baby Book suggests that some strict scheduling approaches (doesn't use the Babywise name, but you know they're talking about it) work to get babies to sleep b/c the babies actually learn that crying doesn't get their needs met, so they start shutting down, maybe even become depressed. why cry when no one takes care of you?? so sad that so many children out there are being raised as if their feelings and needs don't matter as much as a stupid schedule.

Lindsay said...

I'm really struggling with this. I babysit a couple of kids and have a couple of my own. One child (6mo old) who is held all day, and all night long at home because she demands it, is always very tired and cranky. The other kids who have been on basic schedules most of their lives are happy, healthy, and well rested. But God is only pleased with the parenting style of the cranky baby (who's parents are also always tired)??

Lindsay Davis said...

I really appreciate your heart and insight. We need to be mothers who reflect the character of God. God has given us the role of nurturing (physically, emotionally, spiritually) our babies. We need to do that the best way we can.
When our first daughter was born, a friend gave us a copy of Babywise. We really struggled about what to do- I had many godly friends who swore by Babywise, and many godly friends who wanted nothing to do with it. I have seen kids turn out great (and not so great) either way. Our first couple months were very confusing, going back and forth between methods.
The best advice i received came from a mentor of mine who finally said "God has made you the mother of this child. Pray for His direction, and trust the instinct He has given you."
While i think there are elements of Babywise that were helpful, there is great danger in the Ezzo's claim that this is "God's" way. Every parent is unique, and every child is unique. God has designed us that way. To say that one "formula" will work for all families is not only ignorant, but a misuse of Scripture. Some children need a little more structure and discipline. Some children need the extra comfort and nurturing. All children need GRACE! (which often translates to real life as "flexibility!" There needs to be balance.

Jessica said...

Amen, sister! It seems counter-intuitive that they would call a method "God's way" that goes against the nature and beauty of how God Himself created a woman to nurse her baby! Taking an opinionated and ill-based philosophy and titling it "God's way" is just sad....good for you for calling and speaking up.