It is truly a privilege to be invited into something as sacred as birth. Since I began my work as a birth attendant in 2008, I have been invited into that sacred space many times and it is just as amazing today as it was then. But I do have a lament about my job........the follow up.
I do not take lightly my relationship with couples I work with. By the time the baby is ready to be born, we have spent time together and even more time on the phone. We have exchanged emails, talked about deepest fears, made birth plans, discussed many private bodily parts and functions and so on. Then labor happens and we spend hours together.....working, massaging, reassuring, comforting.....waiting for baby. After that, we swoon over baby and talk about breasts and sore bottoms and sleepless nights. We talk at 2pm as well as 2am.....whenever someone needs to be talked off the limb that is postpartum. To call it intimate is an understatement.
I am there when families are born. I am there when a family grows. In my short time in this profession, I have seen some people have 3 children and I cannot tell you what that feels like because there just are no words........................... to be invited in again and again.
But it is a hectic profession.....one that I am continuously working within to find the balance between who I am (child of God,wife, mother, daughter,sister,friend) as well as what I am(birth professional, lactation educator, yoga instructor, perimenopausal female, etc).
So this Christmas season, I want you all to know that even if I don't call you, email you, Facebook you or see you as much as I would like, you are in my heart. Because I remember.........
I remember your loss....the miscarriage..........that moment when the journey was ended before it had a chance to begin. I scrambled to be what you needed knowing there was no way to ease your pain or make it better.....praying I don't say anything stupid and trying hard not to say anything that isn't necessary. Mapping out the space with you to heal and move forward in your own time........but always thinking of you at random times and praying for your wounded heart that I know is forever changed.
I remember very clear details about each new beginning I have been a part of.
I remember when you thought you couldn't go on but you did. I told you that you could. You didn't believe me at the moment, but I kept saying it anyway.
I remember when you reached out for my hand and squeezed it tight. You apologized after the contraction. I really didn't mind.....it only confirmed to me that you were so much stronger than even you knew.
I remember your pain when your birth plan changed. My heart broke for you inside, but I remained solid for you because I knew that is what you needed. I cried in my car on the way home for the pain and confusion that I knew you would feel. I vowed in my heart to help you navigate it as best as I could and hoped somehow it would be enough.
I remember your long labor.......how exhausted you were. I remember wanting to take some of the work for you and wondering where in the world your strength came from. I remember admiring you as I pulled your hair back and put a cold cloth on your neck.....trying to encourage you with my words but not give you shallow rhetoric or diminish how much your situation sucked in the moment. I remember affirming to you that it was ok to never have another baby again and telling you that I have no idea why women do this more than once. I also remember my own joy when you forgot those words and got pregnant again.
I remember that moment when your eyes became big and you began to become very restless.......that unmistakable, beautiful look on a mama's face when her baby is in the birth canal emerging into the world. I remember chasing you to the place you would give birth and knowing you would pick the smallest bathroom in the house.........the corner where no one could reach you........the position on the bed that seemed impossible until you went there. In the hospital,I enjoyed watching the staff around you in awe of the natural process that they so seldom see.
I remember when you were afraid......and overcame your fear. I remember when you were in pain.....and reconnected to your focus and your breath.
I remember your birth music......some more than others. Some of you really rock it out! Best play list ever.....you still know who you are. No one has beaten you yet.
I remember your tears when you held your baby for the first time. I remember your partners tears, laughter and uninhibited release of emotion. I remember feeling like an intruder in that moment......who is worthy to be a part of such beauty?
I remember the easy birth and the difficult birth and all of them in between. I remember all the things I learned. I remember thinking I knew something when I didn't. I remember when something that I knew came in very handy. I remember the many humbling moments when I realized that no matter how much I had read and studied that I would never fully grasp the amazing and unique process that is birth because it is art and miracle and to fully "see" it must be reserved for deity. We in our skin and bones cannot fathom such things as it would blow our minds.
I remember the less than perfect, the disappointments.......the waiting with bated breath to know that all was ok. I wanted to do more.....be there every second. Torn between two worlds.....praying to One.
These are the things that float through my mind on the long car rides, the sleepless nights, the quiet moments,etc. The baby comes, the baby grows and I must move on to new beginnings with others and I have yet to find a smooth transition for how you become so enmeshed with someone at such a pivotal moment in time, then drift apart because life is moving always. Little things happen that flash me back to your birth and a funny, beautiful or momentous moment in time that is forever etched in my brain comes up on the HDTV that is my brain. I think of you more often than you know and wish I had a million moments to spend with each and every individual that I have had the honor of sharing that sacred space with.
Know that it is always sacred to me, no matter how many years it has been.
This holiday season, know that I have thought of you......prayed for you......rejoiced with you. Forgive my physical absence but know that I am not so busy that I do not remember with affection and joy the moment that your baby came into the world.
I think of you and smile........then sleep in heavenly peace.
