I get calls all the time from women seeking out doula services. They will express their desire for an intervention, medication free birth and being the good doula, I inform them of their options and explain that the hospital may not be the best place for that to happen. I ask them if they are aware of and have considered other options. If I had a dollar for the number of times that I heard, "Well, I'd love to have a home/birth center birth but my husband says no way," then I would be rich. I will ask, "Have you guys gone together and talked to a home birth or birth center midwife?" and 9 times out of 10 the answer is no, he won't go.
Now, I don't know if that is true, or if it is sometimes just a woman's way of saying, "I've thought about it but I'm not quite ready to go there and I just don't want to tell you that." There is nothing wrong with that. But there is something wrong when a man will not even explore the options available. Now, it may be that there are trust issues in the marriage, or that there have been past experiences that cause a man to fear being without the perceived security of a hospital. But I must admit that I do not understand it when a dad just says "no way" to an out of hospital birth without being willing to do the research and explore what is best for their family as a whole.
Let me be clear....no one should attend a homebirth who is not absolutely convinced that it is a good and safe choice for the mother. It brings unwelcome negativity and could cause division in the relationship along with a host of other problems. So if dad is not onboard, then the birth shouldn't happen at home. However, the same is true for a woman who goes to the hospital when she really doesn't want to. If she ends up getting pressured into things she doesn't want, or ends up with a traumatic birth, she may blame her partner for not considering her desires to avoid all of that in the first place. It's tricky.
So since I seem to have the husband extraordinaire when it comes to birth, I thought I would ask for his input. Here were his thoughts,
“Husbandhood”
As husbands I think we can all agree on feeling that part of our responsibility to our wives is as protector, defender, and supporter. This should involve wanting for them, at least as much out of life as we want for ourselves. And what is it that we want, really? Do we like having options?
Like anyone, as men we want the freedom to make choices for our lives that we feel will benefit us in any given situation. Sounds reasonable so far?
So, doesn’t it make sense that our wives might actually want the freedom to make choices that are most beneficial for them? This is where the “supporting” aspect of our responsibility as husbands comes into play. Few events will strike a chord in a woman’s heart and soul more stridently than the birth of a child. When it comes to the birth there are actually many different options as far as where and with whom to have the baby.
The key point I want to make here is how irresponsible it is to just assume that since we might have been born in a hospital that our children need to be born in hospitals. People were born on this planet without the benefit or detriment of hospitals for literally thousands of years. For thousands of years women experienced in assisting with the whole child birth experience have been helping other women have their babies.
To further clarify this point, we should shift gears a little bit here. What is the one of the first things we think of when we see someone in our office or work location coughing or sneezing? One, we assume they might be sick. And, what question comes next is key. Our vernacular is replete with aphorisms, not the least of which is the ubiquitous: “What’s wrong with you?”
This question is directed at whoever is doing the sneezing and/or coughing around us. Let’s think about that statement for a moment. If someone is sick, then we assume that something is “wrong”with them. And, if someone is sick to the point that we feel they need to be seen by a doctor, we would naturally refer them to a
hospital.
Now let’s parallel that with the notion that when a woman is pregnant, some people assume that she needs to be in a hospital. My questions is: Why? Not only is a pregnant woman not sick…there is nothing “wrong” with her.
Don’t get me wrong, complications may arise with any pregnancy that may necessitate further care. However, there is nothing “wrong” with being pregnant. We need to come away from the place in our culture where we are thinking these thoughts about our wives, pregnant or otherwise. Where women are concerned concepts of freedom and choice can take on religious or political overtones. As men, our jobs are simple. We don’t need to be even concerning ourselves with passing laws to give women rights and options and choices. We simply need to realize that it is not our place to be restricting women’s rights and options and choices. The thinking that we as men are somehow divinely appointed to legislate where, when, and how women are to give birth exemplifies an arrogance that borders on misogyny.
According to an article by Dr Miriam Stoppard,“In many European countries healthy women may choose to have their baby at home if their pregnancy has been straightforward. In the United Kingdom, some doctors encourage women to have a home birth, even with a first baby, but in the United States it's more difficult.”
We are definitely behind the times in this country, but things are changing. And, as men, we are in a unique position to be the encouragers and supporters of that change. We have an opportunity to be part of the solution, and it begins with being there for our wives during this exciting time.
I’ve been fortunate enough to assist at the births of two of my boys and while those were amazing experiences that I would not trade for anything, I do understand that it is not for everyone. To all the husbands out there who are embarking with their partner on this birth journey, all I would ask is two things. One, that you listen, truly listen to her. And, two, that you keep an open mind.
I love the man. He stepped out of his comfort zone for me. Honestly, after talking with the midwife if he had said he was just not ok with it all, I would have probably tried to find a compromise. You see, I respect his wisdom and judgement. If he had explored the options and been left with concerns, I would consider that something to pay attention to. I believe that sometimes God imparts things to our spouse that we cannot see from our individual perspective for whatever reason. But I still believe the loving thing to do is to at least watch a movie, talk to a midwife, read some studies and be educated. This is true INFORMED choice.
I am so proud that he was part of the process of gathering information and making decisions. I had an incredible VBAC and though it wasn't line for line what I had planned, it was a beautiful experience that healed broken parts of me and made me the birth professional that I am today. Where would I be now if he had just said "no" without listening to my heart?
I know where HE is today. He is the backbone of what I do. He keeps our household running while I am gone for hours.....sometimes days....... at a time. He and my mom play musical children between her work, his work and babies whose schedules have no rhyme or reason. He sometimes exists in the shadow of what I do. It's not an easy place to be. He has to give up some of me....some of his ego.....some of his needs so that I can walk out my calling to help others.
