The past two years have been a whirlwind for me. As I complete my paperwork for NARM I am filled with excitement, anticipation and bone chilling fear! Ok, maybe I exaggerate. But the thoughts of failing a national exam that I'm not even sure how I'm going to pay for on the first round, coupled with the possibility of working in a state where the rules for CPM's are oppressive and antequated is no small burden. However, I know my Lord has never called me to a task that He has not equipped me to complete and that any work HE has begun in me, HE has always seen through to the end. Still, I am human, and I fear and fail and fumble.
I began this journey in the birth world after my own harried birth experiences, as many birth professionals do. In the beginning I really felt like the birth community as a whole was one big happy family and I pictured lots of midwives and doulas in long skirts holding hands and swaying in song all for the cause of women and birthing. I quickly found out that birth professionals were people too. Birthy women can be catty and mean just like anyone else. Our opinions differ.....she shouldn't do this, she should have done that, I would NEVER do that and the list goes on. I realized a dream of beginning an organization for birth professionals, only to watch it crumble before me at the hands of disagreement and misunderstanding. I must admit to feeling a bit disillusioned. Through that whole process, I found myself caught up in judging a sister, being rejected by friends, and having to make difficult choices. Thankfully, that person that I judged forgave me and we are now great friends and she is one of my mentors. The others, well, it's a long story that has become mundane. But........I grew and found myself respected for my principles.
At the MANA conference recently, I was surrounded by birthy women, midwives...doulas....lactation consultants....apprentices........all of different inclinations and philosophies about birth. Lisa Goldstein will just tell you....I mean just tell.............. you all about it. Some of us fall in the floor laughing at her, and some have to go and detox after listening to her use the work d**k so many times in one sentence. LOL Anne Frye is a calm, cool and collected feminist who I struggle to ever see in a long crinkly skirt, regardless of how many times I had pictured her that way as I read her books. My team, Bethlehem Birthing Services, has our own sense of diversity. We have a criminal(LOL)......no, really, we have a rally for the causer, a co-conspirator/lifter upper, a petite, passionate fireball, a punk rock photgrapher, a type A planner/ponderer, a just love, laugh and move forwarder, and a up and coming speller/service shiner. Then there is me, the alpha female go getter who can turn it off when I need to but God help us all if it gets turned on full blast..............er. I admit that I struggle sometimes to find my way amidst women who can be so varied and different than myself. It challenges me in sometimes painful ways. It also brings me a joy that is unspeakable. It teaches me......I learn.
And I learned that birth people are just like anyone else. That we have our own opinions and issues and sometimes we disagree. But earlier this year, I learned something more. ......something that made my weekend at MANA a little more blessed.
This past February, after watching a baby struggle and my midwife taken away in handcuffs, I learned that when the chips are down.....none of that matters. I learned that the real and genuine women in this midwifery/birth community will surround you, comfort you and fight with you. I will never forget coming to my facebook wall and seeing a little heart with a word beside it, "sister", from a midwife who I knew but had never even met in person. I wept. And it strengthened me. I have never even met some of my facebook friends, but they came to my page with words of support and encouragement. "Keep fighting" "I'm praying for you!" "You are stronger than you know" ....and I wasn't even the one in shackles.
Of course, there were still some on the fringe who wanted to discourage and stir up dissent even in the midst of an opportunity to educate and encourage. . But they were all identified and dismissed as those of us with bigger hearts and hands got on with the business of fighting for a woman's right to choose her birth attendant, her birth place and her birth story. I believe those women will grieve those actions one day, but I can be thankful that they only caused us to come together and fight harder. We marched strong, we made our voices heard, and we awoke to find ourselves surrounded by the women we had helped in pregnancy and birth marching and voicing with us. When it really matters, and when a cause is close to the hearts of people, the voices of the negative can always be pushed into the background.
At the MANA conference, my team was in charge of closing ceremonies. In our skit, I got to "rebirth"(thanks so much, Karen Strange!) and have a baby in the middle of the room. On that very day, 4 years earlier, I had given birth to the baby that God used to solidify the calling on my life. It only took minutes(unlike the 24 hours it took me to birth the REAL baby Jude) to birth this baby, and I thankfully avoided the back labor, but I quickly heard the applause of everyone as my friends handed me my dollbaby after a mere 5 seconds of pushing. LOL Then we all stood, held hands, and sang............just like I had envisioned years ago when I began this journey. In that moment, we were one.
Sure, we all still have our individual beliefs and opinions. We will inevitably still look at each other from time to time and say, "I would never have done that!", but this only means that we remain human and imperfect. However, I know that as we move forward in NC for the rights of women, those things will fade into the background and we will shine through as a united voice.
Just a couple of days after I returned, I helped to welcome a baby girl into the world whose mom had been through a painful loss just acouple of years earlier. I had walked with her through that loss and it was a first for me in my career as a birth professional and it marked my heart in ways I will never forget. But as this baby entered the world, I was reminded that though weeping may endure for a night, joy comes in the morning. There is truly a rainbow after the storm. And that women who let their hands follow their heart will be there when another sister needs them. You see, they know they are CALLED to a purpose. And that is all that matters.
So I gather my paperwork, knowing so many sister midwives have walked this road and are cheering me on. I pray that I will make them all proud....even the ones who don't know me. Because we are our sister's keeper in the world of birth. When one is attacked, everyone feels it. When one is victorious, everyone rejoices. It's just how we roll.
Matt Maher, Hold Us Together
It don't have a job, don't pay your bills
Won't buy you a home in Beverly Hills
Won't fix your life in five easy steps
Ain't the law of the land or the government?
But it's all you need
And love will hold us together
Make us a shelter to weather the storm
And I'll be my brother's keeper
So the whole world would know that we're not alone
It's waiting for you knocking at your door
In the moment of truth when your heart hits the floor
And you're on your knees
And love will hold us together
Make us a shelter to weather the storm
And I'll be my brother's keeper
So the whole world would know that we're not alone
This is the first day of the rest of your life
This is the first day of the rest of your life
'Cause even in the dark you can still see the light
It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright
This is the first day of the rest of your life
This is the first day of the rest of your life
'Cause even in the dark you can still see the light
It's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright
Love will hold us together
Make us a shelter to weather the storm
And I'll be my brother's keeper
So the whole world would know that we're not alone
